Jesus loves me this I know... but are you sure about that?

 I am approaching the time of year when my own deconstruction began. May 19th 2014 will be forever etched in my being as the day the music died, so to speak. It felt like a death and it was in every way death to the way of life that I had known for almost 50 years. I do not celebrate this day but I always feel that it impending about a month before the actual date. It calls me into a time of remembrance. I am glad that through the intervening years between then and now I have grown to the point that I am able to recall this day without the pain and emotions of those moments but rather just the memories of what once was and what ended on that day.

It was during this time that the words of a familiar childhood song, learned years ago in Sunday School, felt remote and empty. 

"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so"

Naw ... that can't be true. If Jesus loves me then how could He let this much pain, betrayal and destruction come into my life? Jesus loves me??? What a joke that is.

I doubted the love of God and I told Him so. God and I had some very heart wrenching, voice raising, cuss word throwing sessions. I read Him up one side and down the other and told Him that I thought He was the biggest con artist that had ever existed. At this point, I poured it on and I poured it out. Satan could do no worse to me than this God that I had given my life to serve had already done. And at this point if God didn't like what I had to say He could just kill me and put me out of my current misery. The notion of going to Hell didn't scare me as I felt I was already living there.

After months and months of these kind of rants I wondered if God was even listening. He had not taken any recourse against me to punish me; nor had He said anything to defend Himself or clear His name. With all the yelling and the endless days and nights of telling Him about Himself certainly He had to have caught some part of what I said. But still nothing. NOT... ONE... WORD.

 I was still dealing with this, mostly alone, but I began to search the internet for someone ... anyone that could understand my pain and help me find my way to some sort of healing. It was then that I found a book written by some truly amazing people. I devoured the book. I read it and re-read it until it began to actualize within my soul. Every year when it gets close to the time of my death day/birth day I pull it out and re-read passages that held a lot of meaning to me at the time. 

I would like to share a passage from the book with you that helped me so much to just be ok with my process and accept that it was what I had to do in order to get better. If you're in the same place that I was I hope it helps. If you are alright with where you are in your spiritual journey, I hope it triggers your understanding and compassion for those that are going through the painful process of questioning their faith.

The passage I want to share is from the book, Soul Repair by Jeff VanVonderen and Dale & Juanita Ryan. It reads :

If the God of our experience is anything other than the god of love and grace, and our self image is anything other than that we are dearly loved by God then it is time to start rebuilding our spiritual lives from the ground up. We need to demolish the house we have built on sand, and seek out some solid rock on which to build. Some of us reach this point and wonder if here will be any God left when we get rid of the distortions. We fear that once we tear down our damaged spiritual life, we will be forced to live forever in its ruins. we may fear that once we get rid of all the distortions and not-Gods we will be left spiritually broken and alone.

And then it happened. God spoke.I knew then and there that God had been listening and that He was responding to me through the words you have just read. He was 100% okay with all my questions. My need to deconstruct my faith was not a problem for Him. And He welcomed it with a hint (at the time) that he would be there to help me build a new and better spiritual home.

That was seven years ago. I have been building my new spiritual home ever since. I am now assured, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Jesus loves me and completely accepts me based on the work of Jesus and none of my own.

Yes ! Yes ! Jesus loves me and rest assured that He loves you too.

Aho Metakuyah Ohayesin

Thom

Deconstruction ... Whats Love got to do with it?

Ahhhh Deconstruction, the bad word with such a good outcome. Its very name implies a breaking down and taking apart process of our religious beliefs. It is being able to question all that we have been taught with the hopes that our doctrine/theology will stand up to the line of questioning and provide clear answers that allow us to sleep at night. 

I have been instructed by those who have gone through their own deconstruction that it should be done carefully and with the skill of a master craftsman such as a watch maker. Each part of our faith must be carefully taken apart and examined and then put back into its place, like the wheels and springs of a watch. Then it is tested to see if it still works properly. If not then the process continues.

Unfortunately for me, my own deconstruction was not so neat and tidy.  Mine was more off the order of trying to repair a car by running it in a demolition derby while Miley Cyrus's, YOU CAME IN LIKE
A WRECKING BALL, is blaring through the car stereo. Mine was thrust upon me by circumstances beyond my control. It was far too long and much too painful. I went through it mostly alone and in the end I found myself spiritually homeless.

Since then I have left the demolition derby with what few pieces and parts that I was able to salvage. I happened to come along a group of like minded Christian people who truly love the Lord but have had some of the same questions and angst that I have had about institutional religion. They are the master craftsmen that I needed in the beginning. They took what I had and helped me to make sense of it. They have helped me in so many ways as I worked through my own process and they worked through theirs. We are able to understand one another on a level that cannot be understood or in some cases tolerated within the confines of the institutional church. I am no longer listening to Miley Cyrus blaring away as the soundtrack of my life. Now I hear the incomparable Ms. Tina as she gently sings, "I've been taking on a new direction but I have to say, I've been thinking about my own protection; it scares me to feel this way. What's love got to do with it?"

My life has most definitely taken on a new direction but unlike the song, I am no longer scared that it feels this way. When I started out deconstructing it was a toxic stew of rage, fear, betrayal and paranoia. Those feelings are behind me. Now that same stew  has become an intoxicating, divine dish of love, understanding and acceptance of both myself, of God as I now understand Him, and of others. All others; those that are on a similar path as mine, those that are farther ahead and those who are content with remaining right where they are in their faith journey. 

Whats love go to do with deconstruction? I would say EVERYTHING. I now understand that I am greatly loved and completely accepted by a God that I once thought was always keeping a scorecard against me and just waiting for the right moment to drop a lightning bolt on me as divine retribution. It is this most amazing of all discoveries within my personal deconstruction and those of people that I have witnessed that is just life changing within itself. To find out, after years of being taught otherwise, that God is not mad at me but instead is racing towards me like a long lost lover in order to shower me with love that I once felt that I did not even deserve. This, this is what loves got to do with it. 

If you are reading this and it stirs you I hope you respond. If you are questioning everything about your faith, you have found a safe place here. A place to bring all your questions and lets talk about it. If you are stirred out of feelings I have slipped off the path of righteousness and that my questioning is going to lead me to backslide and that it is your responsibility to reach out to me to warn me then I hope you respond. You have also found a safe place here to speak what's on your mind. We are all on this path together. We are not all in the same place in our journey ... but we are all together. Let's talk.

Aho Metakuyeh Ohayesin

Thom

The Exodus

 Although I had issues with traditional church leaving on my own was never something I pursued. I went back and forth for the entire time I pastored ; one month I was happy as the leader of the church, the next month I was ready to pack up and go back home This kept my family in a constant state of unbalance, as you can imagine. After years of building a new church plant my wife and I divorced and this event brought an end to the church. Still unsure of what to do with myself I decided to go back to a Christian college and get my Bachelors degree in Counseling. It was in the spring of 2014 that I began my 'Red Sea" experience, my exodus from established, traditional church.  However, it was not the majestic, awe inspiring event that we have seen pictured in so many movies. For me it was a total devastation of all that I had invested my life into. It was an immediate destruction of my identity as a pastor and a christian. Take one part narcissistic church leader,  add one part Federal Agency raid and add a sprinkle of betrayal. Cook on high heat and then serve with a side of paranoia and panic attacks and there you have the perfect recipe for what my life became overnight. 

I felt as though my life was one big hazy nightmare. I was completely lost; spiritually, emotionally and physically. I went days without eating and nights without sleeping. I had so many screaming matches with God. I blamed him for all of this and accused Him of tricking me into living this life only to pull the rug out from under me. Depression was my constant friend.

But even with all of this chaos that I now found myself in, it was still another 14 months before I made a clean break and began the long climb out of the rubble of this disaster.

I imagine that some of you reading this have experienced similar situations. The details of your story are certainly going to be different from mine. Some of you reading may be feeling the stirring questions that keep you awake at night and you are considering leaving church as the only way to find peace. If you find yourself in either of these places I understand. I am here for you. Let's talk about it.

Aho Metakuye Ohayesin

Thom

In the Beginning....

I have been in a traditional church setting for most of my life. I believed all that I was told growing up. When I became an adult I started having lots of questions. Questions like, if God is love then how does he get any joy from seeing parts of his creation burn in Hell forever? Or why is the decision to go to Heaven or Hell left on me when Jesus said that if He was lifted up He would draw all men unto Himself? I could go on and on with the questions but I think you get the idea. Perhaps some of you reading can identify with this scenario yourself. I had so many questions and those who I thought would have the answers; those who had been in the faith much longer than me and knew the Bible much better than I did failed to satisfy my curiosity. The usual answer for these and other difficult questions was usually one of two answers. First, I was told to pray about and God would answer me. This left me thinking that if that's the case then what did I need a pastor for? The second answer was even more confusing. I was told that some things we weren't meant to know and that we just had to believe it by faith. So I was supposed to study and believe a sacred text thousands of years old that no one had answers to. This was the beginning of my issues with organized religion. 

How many of us would ever let our children go to school and sit under a teacher who would not give them the information they needed to pass a test, but would rather tell them to pray for the answer and if they didn't get one that they just have to embrace the notion that they were never meant to know the answer in the first place?

Or how about this one.Who among us would take a job, a new job that we had never done before, and during orientation wind up with a question? But when we go to the trainer for clarification we are told that we should just wait for the answer to to come and if it doesn't come we just move through the job the best we can by mimicing what we see others do or wait until we make an error and are then are told that what we did was not right? 

But this is how most people do church...or at least in my experience. I had difficult questions that those in leadership would not or could not answer. I was left, along with many other well meaning believers who I fellowshipped with to do my best without the information that I needed.

It was this kind of unbearable ignorance that started my exit from mainstream church. After a while I just stopped asking the questions. They still existed within me, but I already knew there would be no answer for them and this led to a great deal of frustration with church leaders. How can they lead when they couldn't give a simple explanation to what they were teaching me to do? Sadly, when I later became a pastor I fell prey to this same form of ignorance and then I understood. I didn't want to be responsible for giving an answer to someone that I couldn't justify within myself.  This gave me understanding as to why some church leaders had answered like they did. But it also made me angry within myself that I had been sucked into the same empty vortex and was doing the same thing to those I was pastoring.

This was the beginning of my ending with the institutional church. But wait....there's more.

Aho Metakuye Ohayesin

Thom

 Welcome to my blog. Here you will find insights and information about my transition from being the pastor of a local church to becoming an Earthkeeper Shaman and how I lost my religion but gained a deeper relationship with God. Some of you may agree and connect with what I blog about. Some readers will have strong feelings that I have backslid and am in danger of hell fire.  Whatever your thoughts I encourage you to follow along. Perhaps this blog will provoke you to ask yourself some difficult questions regarding religion of God versus relationship with God.  I am here to share the things that I have picked up (and some that I have dropped off) along my journey that have helped me and may help you as well. 

Many of my thoughts come from my time spent in sacred space with Spirit meditating or praying. Others come to me through nature and still others come through dreams and visions.

Thanks for stopping by and check back every Tuesday,Thursday and Saturday for a new post. Your comments are welcomed and encouraged.

Aho Metakuye Ohayasin / (We are all related)

Thom