I am approaching the time of year when my own deconstruction began. May 19th 2014 will be forever etched in my being as the day the music died, so to speak. It felt like a death and it was in every way death to the way of life that I had known for almost 50 years. I do not celebrate this day but I always feel that it impending about a month before the actual date. It calls me into a time of remembrance. I am glad that through the intervening years between then and now I have grown to the point that I am able to recall this day without the pain and emotions of those moments but rather just the memories of what once was and what ended on that day.
It was during this time that the words of a familiar childhood song, learned years ago in Sunday School, felt remote and empty.
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so"
Naw ... that can't be true. If Jesus loves me then how could He let this much pain, betrayal and destruction come into my life? Jesus loves me??? What a joke that is.
I doubted the love of God and I told Him so. God and I had some very heart wrenching, voice raising, cuss word throwing sessions. I read Him up one side and down the other and told Him that I thought He was the biggest con artist that had ever existed. At this point, I poured it on and I poured it out. Satan could do no worse to me than this God that I had given my life to serve had already done. And at this point if God didn't like what I had to say He could just kill me and put me out of my current misery. The notion of going to Hell didn't scare me as I felt I was already living there.
After months and months of these kind of rants I wondered if God was even listening. He had not taken any recourse against me to punish me; nor had He said anything to defend Himself or clear His name. With all the yelling and the endless days and nights of telling Him about Himself certainly He had to have caught some part of what I said. But still nothing. NOT... ONE... WORD.
I was still dealing with this, mostly alone, but I began to search the internet for someone ... anyone that could understand my pain and help me find my way to some sort of healing. It was then that I found a book written by some truly amazing people. I devoured the book. I read it and re-read it until it began to actualize within my soul. Every year when it gets close to the time of my death day/birth day I pull it out and re-read passages that held a lot of meaning to me at the time.
I would like to share a passage from the book with you that helped me so much to just be ok with my process and accept that it was what I had to do in order to get better. If you're in the same place that I was I hope it helps. If you are alright with where you are in your spiritual journey, I hope it triggers your understanding and compassion for those that are going through the painful process of questioning their faith.
The passage I want to share is from the book, Soul Repair by Jeff VanVonderen and Dale & Juanita Ryan. It reads :
If the God of our experience is anything other than the god of love and grace, and our self image is anything other than that we are dearly loved by God then it is time to start rebuilding our spiritual lives from the ground up. We need to demolish the house we have built on sand, and seek out some solid rock on which to build. Some of us reach this point and wonder if here will be any God left when we get rid of the distortions. We fear that once we tear down our damaged spiritual life, we will be forced to live forever in its ruins. we may fear that once we get rid of all the distortions and not-Gods we will be left spiritually broken and alone.
And then it happened. God spoke.I knew then and there that God had been listening and that He was responding to me through the words you have just read. He was 100% okay with all my questions. My need to deconstruct my faith was not a problem for Him. And He welcomed it with a hint (at the time) that he would be there to help me build a new and better spiritual home.
That was seven years ago. I have been building my new spiritual home ever since. I am now assured, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Jesus loves me and completely accepts me based on the work of Jesus and none of my own.
Yes ! Yes ! Jesus loves me and rest assured that He loves you too.
Aho Metakuyah Ohayesin
Thom
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