Ahhhh Deconstruction, the bad word with such a good outcome. Its very name implies a breaking down and taking apart process of our religious beliefs. It is being able to question all that we have been taught with the hopes that our doctrine/theology will stand up to the line of questioning and provide clear answers that allow us to sleep at night.
I have been instructed by those who have gone through their own deconstruction that it should be done carefully and with the skill of a master craftsman such as a watch maker. Each part of our faith must be carefully taken apart and examined and then put back into its place, like the wheels and springs of a watch. Then it is tested to see if it still works properly. If not then the process continues.
Unfortunately for me, my own deconstruction was not so neat and tidy. Mine was more off the order of trying to repair a car by running it in a demolition derby while Miley Cyrus's, YOU CAME IN LIKE
A WRECKING BALL, is blaring through the car stereo. Mine was thrust upon me by circumstances beyond my control. It was far too long and much too painful. I went through it mostly alone and in the end I found myself spiritually homeless.
Since then I have left the demolition derby with what few pieces and parts that I was able to salvage. I happened to come along a group of like minded Christian people who truly love the Lord but have had some of the same questions and angst that I have had about institutional religion. They are the master craftsmen that I needed in the beginning. They took what I had and helped me to make sense of it. They have helped me in so many ways as I worked through my own process and they worked through theirs. We are able to understand one another on a level that cannot be understood or in some cases tolerated within the confines of the institutional church. I am no longer listening to Miley Cyrus blaring away as the soundtrack of my life. Now I hear the incomparable Ms. Tina as she gently sings, "I've been taking on a new direction but I have to say, I've been thinking about my own protection; it scares me to feel this way. What's love got to do with it?"
My life has most definitely taken on a new direction but unlike the song, I am no longer scared that it feels this way. When I started out deconstructing it was a toxic stew of rage, fear, betrayal and paranoia. Those feelings are behind me. Now that same stew has become an intoxicating, divine dish of love, understanding and acceptance of both myself, of God as I now understand Him, and of others. All others; those that are on a similar path as mine, those that are farther ahead and those who are content with remaining right where they are in their faith journey.
Whats love go to do with deconstruction? I would say EVERYTHING. I now understand that I am greatly loved and completely accepted by a God that I once thought was always keeping a scorecard against me and just waiting for the right moment to drop a lightning bolt on me as divine retribution. It is this most amazing of all discoveries within my personal deconstruction and those of people that I have witnessed that is just life changing within itself. To find out, after years of being taught otherwise, that God is not mad at me but instead is racing towards me like a long lost lover in order to shower me with love that I once felt that I did not even deserve. This, this is what loves got to do with it.
If you are reading this and it stirs you I hope you respond. If you are questioning everything about your faith, you have found a safe place here. A place to bring all your questions and lets talk about it. If you are stirred out of feelings I have slipped off the path of righteousness and that my questioning is going to lead me to backslide and that it is your responsibility to reach out to me to warn me then I hope you respond. You have also found a safe place here to speak what's on your mind. We are all on this path together. We are not all in the same place in our journey ... but we are all together. Let's talk.
Aho Metakuyeh Ohayesin
Thom
